Japan Open Grid Support
How To Date A Virgin
Hi, my name is Alex Wise, OPP. You may remember me from such How To guides as, "How To Keep Your Pimp Hand Moisturized if You’re Allergic To Aloe Vera" and "How To Stay In Your Traffic Lane When Your Woman Gets Out of Pocket In The Car and You Have To Do Something About It."
That last one is a bestseller and is responsible for the reduction in traffic accidents in Oakland, Chicago, and Memphis.
Today we’re going to discuss a phenomenon that sweeps every man’s consciousness at least once or twice when he’s about 22 years old: How To Date a Virgin.
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Yes, at some point in every man’s life, he’s convinced that he’d like to date a woman who hasn’t been around the mulberry bush. All of us men are naïve enough to believe at some point that we’ll be able to date the woman that nobody else has touched.
Well, as anybody who’s ever dated a virgin can tell you, it’s no easy chore. I should know; I’ve dated one- for two years. And what with the rate of STDs flying around the singles community, it’s not completely out of this world to think that dating a virgin is a good idea, if anything, just to make sure that you’re not catching a chick with an ignited crotch-rocket from being the wick for too many firecrackers.
That analogy worked so much better in my head.
Smartly, very few women have ever stated that they’d like to date a virgin. Apparently, women don’t like being the teachers. Ironic given the fact that most women are teachers…and sleeping with 13 year-old boys.
Gar.
Anyway, dating a virgin requires a lot of finesse because face it, you’re not getting any real lovin’ during the duration of your duress. So here’s a quick little guide for how to survive your virgin’s constant attempts at “purity”.
1. Stock up on plenty of Jergens.
‘pinchin’ nurses a**es while i’m j*cking off with jergens’
I’m just saying. If you’re dating a chick who “doesn’t go all the way” you’re going to spend more time choking your own chicken than you will cooking any actual chicken. Of course, you’re probably messing with a chick who “does everything but go all the way”. By the way, I hate these chicks with the passion of 4 rusty trombones playing Mozart’s 2nd to last final symphony.
2. Get some very interesting hobbies
The only reason a man will ever think he needs to date a virgin is because he swears that he wants a woman who hasn’t been off the block (they all have). Thing is, at some point in every relationship, you’re going to need to be exploring eachother’s territory. But if you’re dating the chick who’s as undiscovered as Vespucci’s namesake, you’re going to have to fill the time in other ways. I suggest picking up crocheting. You’re already not sleeping with your girl, which makes you gay, might as well be the gay dude who crochets too. Or knit. Both gay, but definitely time consuming.
3. Work out like crazy
Gonna have to release that raw energy somewhere. Methinks that was a pun.
4. Take some time to develop the inner you
Face it, you’re going to have a lot of time to reflect on who you are as a person now that you’re not participating in the old lickemhighlickemlow. Somehow people have equated abstinence with fasting as some sort of spiritual cleansing. Yeah, no. But you can read a lot of Chicken Soup books and pray to Buddha and look for your own spiritual awakening. Especially since you won’t be awakening to any morningwood-lumberjack scenarios.
5. Just don’t do it.
I mean really, why in Sam Hill would you do that to yourself anyway? Seems like a bad idea.
So my compadres and compadrettes, would you ever date a virgin? Why or why not? Hell, have you? And what personal hell did it cause? Or, were you the virgin hold-out?? Why?