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How To Be More Attractive Than You Actually Are
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A few weeks ago I was at Target and I noticed this woman. She was wearing some black thing with some gray thing but most importantly she had on a short skirt that wasn’t slutty but was definitely eye-catching. One of her woman clothing items was lacey. I don’t know what it’s called, but once again, I noticed.
Then, I realized she wasn’t attractive in the slightest but compared to her two extremely unattractive friends she looked like a dimepiece. Then, I realized she had it figured out. See, she didn’t have any body to speak of, a face to speak even less of, but here I was paying attention because of her outfit and the way it was sexxy without being on some major hosh*t. If I had lower self-esteem or didn’t know my mother I might have tried to holler, but lucky for my ancestors I can read.
If that chick could spruce herself up enough to garner attention (and trust me other dudes were looking) then it must be possible for ANYBODY to make a few alterations in order to appear more attractive than they actually are. And because we’re equal opportunity like bathrooms with handicapped stalls, we’ve got some tips for the mans and the womans.
1. Wear a hat
Any guy looks better with a hat on. I’m not sure why this is the case but its true. Ne-Yo has one very odd shaped head but when he wears a hat he looks like any other goofy-looking guy. LL Cool J made an entire career out of wearing hats to cover up his ginormous dome. And the ladies love Cool James. So the main bullet point here is that the less women can see of your face, the more their imagination will run wild and make you look like Idris Elba.
2. Wear sunglasses
Much like the hat the entire goal is to cover up as much of your self as possible. Of course, if you look like 50 Tyson or somebody with the nickname Stank no amount of face covering will compensate for your shortcomings. You might just need a new face. I’ve gotten away from myself here. Sunglasses add an allure to people. Allure them. Grrrrr.
3. Rock some high heels
Ain’t nothing like a nice leg in a heel. It’s even better if there are TWO legs in a pair of heels. (No dis to our one legged sisters out there, I just can’t fully appreciate somebody called “hip-hop” and it’s not ironic at all). Heels tend to perk the booty up a little and get the calves working. Men love legs. We like to envision them wrapped around us. And trust me, no man gets excited about those Greek-looking beaucoup strap shoes women are wearing right now. In fact, I hate them. I am man, hear me lick shots for Big Poppa in heaven.
4. Show some shoulder
For some reason, shoulders are sexxy. There’s just something about the way the sunlight bounces off a nice shapely shoulder that just brings out the animal instinct in us. Makes me want to go all zebra on a ninja. And trust me, going zebra? Is that hot sh*t. Honestly, I don’t know where I was going with this. So I’ll stop here.
5. Shear clothing
For chicks anyway since I don’t ever want to see a grown man rocking shear unless he’s Jamaican and only then if it’s those gawdawful mesh joints. Shear outerwear means that we can see bras. Bras hold boobs. Men love boobs so anything that helps us envision them automatically gives you a leg up on any competition that ISN’T wearing shear. Unless of course your face looks like a boarded up Baltimore vacant. Illusion makes everybody hotter.
6. Peacocking
Dressing for attention amongst a pool of mundane sucka MC’s makes you look interesting even if you aren’t which makes you more attractive even if you aren’t.
Follow these rules you’ll have mad bread to break up, if not 24 years on the wake up….of misfortune.
Let’s help out the community, what are other ways to look more attractive than you really are?